conversations, real and imagined.

Recently, I had a conversation entirely in my head with a woman who works at a high class sex toy company. The woman was wearing an outfit she found in Lucky, or saw on Lipstick Jungle, and tapped her manicured nails on the counter that we were both standing in front of as we mixed our coffee in the morning. In this fake conversation (with a woman I’ve never met, at a company I would love to work for), we were discussing sex toys (because, in addition to being a marketing assistant at said company, she was a liberated woman who bought the Rabbit after she saw it on tv; the bunny has since burrowed in its box under her bed). I take the lead in pushing boundaries when I say “You know what toys I think are truly at the cusp of being revolutionary while still being hot in a dirty, happy, filthy way? The ones that are somewhat animal shaped.” and she says “you mean like the Rabbit?” and I say “No, like the horse cock or tentacle arm“, and she says something to the effect of:

“That is fucking disgusting. I can’t believe people get off on that shit. Why would anyone want to put something that looks like a horse’s penis up inside them?! Ew! People who are into that must be Messed Up. Why can’t people just have normal sex?”

to which I say, in my imaginary conversation, with real conviction:

“You know what pisses me off about people like you? Besides the fact that you’re being massively hypocritical when you shit on the animal toys while your favorite orgasms come from a jelly rubber rabbit’s ears drumming away at your clit while mushroom head with a smiley face rotates in your pussy, besides that, I can’t believe how you don’t even realize that the perverts are the ones who you should be thanking! We’ve taken years of abuse so you can rent your damn Misty Beethoven, been laughed at so you can buy your Screaming O Ring, and endured generations of condemnation so your boyfriend could tie you up with fur lined handcuffs. Oh, and that strip aerobics class you’re taking? We get credit for that, too. Normal sex? You want normal sex? What about birth control? Normal sex didn’t include birth control until we, the people at the front of the sex lines, pushed for it. Normal sex didn’t include lube, or porn, Good Vibrations, or anything battery operated! Fuck, normal sex didn’t include a woman’s pleasure until the perverts of the time started asking for it. You want normal sex? Go have your normal sex, and then thank the rest of us when you’re done.”

And then, of course, I walk calmly away as she stands there, wanting to ask me about porn and handcuffs and lube. Because there’s a pervert in everyone, kids, all it needs is a little confidence and education.

That having been said, I have my SFSI interview/orientation tomorrow. Wish me luck.

tentacle-y yours,

jameson.