When I worked at Good Vibes, I sat in on an after hours class taught by Midori. The class was called something like Fierce Femmes or Tapping into Female Sexuality or something like that, with the basic aim of teaching women how to be more confident in their sexuality, specifically in their topping-ness (I use the big words, I know).
I won’t detail all that Midori discussed –you should take any class she offers, she’s amazing, and tiny, and powerful– but I do want to share one lesson I got from that after hours class that has proved quite useful. At one point in the night, Midori had us write down our favorite female characters, from movies and books and songs and real life. She wanted us to list the women we thought were strong. Needless to say, most people in the room had vastly different versions of what female strength was, and thus had quite different lists. Mine included Scarlett O’Hara and the mean cloud girl in Rainbow Brite. Other participants had politicians, and their mothers, or Angelina Jolie. After reading our lists aloud, Midori asked us to think about what connected the women on our individual lists, and for us to use the women we chose as our examples of power and female sexuality. Instead of needing to be the porn star or the movie star, practice embodying the traits you already connected with fierce femininity.
I liked this exercise because it basically validated the tiny mean streak I have, and helped me let go of a value system that didn’t do what I needed it to. The whole “coy = sexy” thing doesn’t work for me. I’m sure it works for some people, but I feel fake when I’m not being direct. And I don’t feel sexy when I feel fake. As much as Scarlett used her coyness to dance around an issue, when push came to shove, she stood up and pushed back. Yes, I can do that.
And, in the spirit of topping-ness (don’t you love just slapping suffixes onto words whenever you feel like it?), a friend recently brought up the question of how to look like you know what you’re doing when you’re really nervous and might not really know what you’re doing. This is such a great question because it applies to everyone, not just little tops or big ‘ol bottoms. Most people have a nervous phase of sex. Whether that’s when they’re just starting, or just starting something new, or just starting someone new. Or even doing something they’ve done a million times before, but in a different way or with a different person. Nervous is natural.
So how to be un-nervous (prefixes, suffixes, I use what I want). The easy answer is to read about what you want to do. Some activities require actual prep and research (many things that fall under the BDSM umbrella), and some activities have books with tips and tricks and maps (Ultimate Guide to Fill In The Blanks by Violet Blue). But in addition to reading, you could also practice by yourself. And by this I mean:
Be hella sexy while you’re at home alone. Seduce yourself in the mirror. Know what your face looks like, and fucking love it. Wear your fuck me heels doing the dishes. Practice your lines in the shower. “When I say bend over, I mean bend over, now.” If you want to sound like you mean it, you have to mean it, which means taking any nervousness out of the sentence. Words are words and can be practiced all the time. Driving to work. “If I let you suck me off, what will you do for me?”
More than words:
Checking in during sex can be really boring and mood killing. Unless it’s not. There are a million different ways to say “does this feel good” without saying “does this feel good, cause I’m not sure if I’m doing it right and I’m really nervous and what if you’re afraid to tell me cause you know I’m nervous and shit that makes me even more nervous cause now I have to pretend to be cool. Fuck.” If you’ve practiced being sexy, and you own your sexy badass self, then you can say things like “I want you to move my hand to make you come. Then I want you to fuck me.” Or ” If you don’t say yes, please, when this feels good, I will stop, and I will pleasure myself. And you will not be allowed to watch.” Or “Our goal tonight is to get you as wet as possible.”
Personally, I think watching your partner masturbate is a) hot, and b) a great way to learn how they get off. If they’re nervous and can’t handle watching you watch them, you could hide in the closet (this would be rad) and they would feel like they were alone and would know that they weren’t, and there could be this whole “someone’s in the house” fantasy thing goin’ on, and you could feel all pervy and peeping tom and be totally diddling yourself and….I love this game. Sex is fun.
And yes, the answer always begins with “talk to your partner”. But after the talk? Own being hot. Sex mistakes are less noticed when they’re made by someone fucking sexy fucking you. I know this isn’t a complete answer to “how to be sexy and know what to do”, but it’s a start.
It’s raining now, and I’m gonna nap,
jameson.
